Kiss
Puke
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
