The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
