I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize