Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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