I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
