i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
