you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
