my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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