I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
