Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
