I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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