i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
