Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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