guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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