Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
