New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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