Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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