just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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