Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
