Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
