she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
