called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
