are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
