i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
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