he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
