This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
