His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
i think i just lost a toe
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
