Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
