I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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