I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize