You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
