So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
