...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
