You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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