So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Randomize
