I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
