I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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