JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
