Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
