He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
this will be a night to untag.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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