my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
