Are we in a gay sports bar?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm passing your future prison.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize