If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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