On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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