remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
