I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
