hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
