dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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