this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
