how can u be prego again
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
