and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
