I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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