New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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