I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
