just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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