chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
