no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
