...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
