I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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