No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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