I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
