i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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