I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
