I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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