you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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