i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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