Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
should my penis look like a turkey
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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