Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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