There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
