remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
