You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The best revenge is premature balding
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize