Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
